The Journal
by Oxyidiot
Summary: When Stan comes to terms with how he feels about his best friend, will his journal be the only one to ever know about it? Multiple POVs. Oh, and slash.
1. 16 March Stan

A/N: Hooray for rewrites! I now have the first ten chapters finished. The first few chapters have only minute changes, but in the last few chapters, I actually changed the way the plot progresses. I was going to write the entire story first, but let me give you three words: COLLEGE APPLICATION ESSAYS. I HATE them. I've already written more than I can stand, and I'm not even halfway done. Today, however, I started working on this instead of my essays, so now I can at least get something out before the end of the year. I really wish I could update faster (because I know how frustrating it is when authors don't), and as soon as I'm done applying to So-and-So University and Random State School of the Artsy Fartsy, I'll get my procrastinating ass in gear and finish this story.

Disclaimer: I do not own South Park.

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Wednesday, March 16

Dear Journal,

Shit, I don't know why I'm writing in here; I hate these stupid things. I got this journal last year for Christmas, and this is the first time I've actually used it. But I don't know how else to get out what I want to say. There's something really bothering me, and no matter how much I'd like to talk to somebody about it, I just can't. No one can know, not even my best friend in the entire world. In fact, that would just make things a whole lot worse. You see, I realized something today...I think I'm falling in love with my best friend.

I don't know how all of this started. Everything was fine until a few months ago, when I started to get this weird, kinda nervous feeling whenever I was around Kyle. I thought it was strange, considering I'd never been nervous around him before. I mean, he's just my friend; what's there to be nervous about? I started thinking about him a lot, to the point where he was all I ever thought about. I didn't think it was normal for a friend to be thinking about another friend like that, so I tried to ignore it. I tried to come up with other things to occupy my thoughts, like school and football, but it never worked. I even tried going out with lots of girls, so maybe I'd think about them instead, but that didn't work either. Even if I was in the middle of a date with a girl, I'd still be thinking of Kyle the whole time, wishing he were there instead. I started to think about that kind of stuff, going on dates with Kyle and kissing him at the end of the night. It freaked me out at first, but then I realized that I...actually liked that idea.

That's when I knew that I didn't just think of Kyle as a friend. So yeah, I kinda developed a crush on him. I hid it well, though. I don't think he had any idea. I was hoping it was just a phase, that maybe everybody becomes gay for their best friend every once in a while, and that my weird feelings for him would go away with time. Well, they sure didn't. In fact, from then on, I started liking him more and more. I was beginning to think that this wasn't just a crush after all.

I don't know what made today any different. The way I first started to think that I might love him was actually pretty strange. We were in the hall at school going to our next classes. I passed by him briefly, he said "hey" and continued down the hallway, and that's when I realized it. What a stupid way to realize you love somebody. But that did it for me for some reason. I guess I've loved him for a long time and didn't know it. I really don't know what made today so special, but I guess I would've figured it out sooner or later anyway.

Now I don't know what to do. I wish more than anything that I could tell him, but there's just no way I could do that. He'd never love me as more than anything than just a friend. I guess that's the way it should be. Even if I have to hide this secret for a long, long time, I'd rather do that than lose the most important person in my life, my best friend.

Oh shit, the phone just rang; it's probably Kyle. My mom answered it, and now she's knocking on the door, so yeah, it is. I hope he hasn't noticed how weird I've been acting lately. He can never find out the truth...never.


	2. 16 March Kyle

Wednesday, March 16

Dear Journal,

I just got off the phone with Stan. We only talked for a minute, though; he said he had to go study or something. You wanna know what I think? I think he's trying to avoid me. He's been like that a lot lately; he's always blowing me off one way or the other. He barely says a word when we see each other, and when I try to talk about it, he changes the subject.

To tell you the truth, I'm kinda worried about him. He's been acting really different the past few weeks. He looks like he's always distracted, always worrying about something. I wish I knew what he was so worried about. I want to help him because it seems like whatever's bothering him isn't good for him. He needs to know that keeping things bottled up is not going to help.

Unless...I hope _I'm_ not the problem. Maybe that's it; maybe he just doesn't want to hang out with me anymore, or maybe I pissed him off without realizing it. I didn't think I had, but maybe that's it. He did seem kind of annoyed by me when I saw him in the hallway this morning. I walked by him and said hey, and he gave me the strangest look. Or maybe...I don't know. I just need to talk to him about it. I'll never know what's going on until I do.

I guess I'll try to talk to him tomorrow. I don't care how much he tries to change the subject; I want to get to the bottom of this. We're best friends; he should know he can always count on me when he needs me. I care about him more than I care about anyone else, and I hate to see him this way. Besides, whatever is going on can't be that bad...can it?


	3. 17 March Stan

Thursday, March 17

Dear Journal,

Dammit, Kyle's asking too many questions. Why must I be so obvious? What the hell is wrong with me? He's gonna find out my secret if I don't stop being so stupid!

Okay, maybe I should start from the beginning. Kyle walked up to me today and said we needed to talk about something. I really didn't want to, but I agreed to talk to him after school. I acted like everything was okay, but I couldn't help but get this huge twinge of nervousness and guilt in the pit of my stomach all day; I almost wanted to throw up.

I wish I could talk to him like I used to, I really do. It's just so hard. I'm afraid that one day I'm gonna slip up and tell him everything, and I know he won't be okay with it. Why the hell would he? There's no way in hell he would ever feel the same way about me. He'd never even consider it. Sure, we're super best friends, but that doesn't mean anything when you're deciding if you want to be with somebody. It's not like this is something _I_ decided, though. It just happened. But I seriously doubt this crazy phenomenon of randomly falling for your best friend would happen twice. Especially not to Kyle. I'm not even close to the type of person he should be with. He's just so...perfect, and I'm not. Even his imperfections are perfect; mine are lame.

Anyway, God dammit, I'm getting off the subject. We met up after school, and Kyle started asking me what he did to piss me off. He said I was acting different. So he has noticed something. He doesn't quite get it, though, thank God. Heh, he actually thought I was mad at him. He's crazy; I could never get mad at him. Well, not _really_ mad. I mean, he pisses me off sometimes, but nothing he could ever do would make me react like…this. He's way too easy to forgive.

There is one person I am really mad at now, though, and that person is myself. I'm mad that I can't control how I feel, no matter how hard I try. If I could, Kyle would be my best friend and nothing more. When I'd look at him, I would see just a guy, not the most beautiful creature I'd ever laid my eyes upon, or other cliché things like that. And I wouldn't be ruining the one true friendship I have little by little as I begin to love him more and more.

God, I hate myself sometimes.


	4. 20 March Stan

Sunday, March 20

Dear Journal,

This weekend totally sucked ass. It might've been okay, but I had to act like an idiot and screw it up. Kyle invited me to hang out and spend the night at his house on Saturday. Normally, I would've jumped at the chance, but now I don't want to because I'm afraid to be around him for too long. I know that if I do, I could end up doing or saying something really stupid. I dunno, maybe I'll get used to hiding everything sooner or later, but not yet. Right now I'm afraid to even be alone with him in a room, so I decided it would be better not to go to his house. I made up some crap about getting grounded so he wouldn't get offended or anything. That might not have been that bad, but then when I got home, I was in a bad mood, so I mouthed off to my mom and ended up getting grounded for real! I can't believe I'm such a dumbass. I ruined my whole weekend because of that. I had to stay here both Saturday and today, and I didn't have anything to do. I probably would've written in here earlier, but I didn't feel like it.

At least the weekend's over now. I never thought I'd say that about a weekend, but it's true. And part of me is kinda glad I got grounded so I didn't actually lie to Kyle. I hate doing that. I already feel like I'm lying to him enough. I don't know how much longer I can take it. I've been thinking; maybe I should just talk to somebody about it. I don't know who exactly I'll talk to. Usually I talk to Kyle about anything that's bugging me. Maybe I'll talk to Kenny. I can't tell him everything that's going on, but maybe he can help me without knowing the exact problem. I sure could stand to talk to someone else. I'm so tired of keeping every little thing inside. It really sucks sometimes.

I don't feel like writing in here anymore. I think I'm just gonna go watch TV or something and wait for this damn weekend to be over. I can't believe it...I actually want to go to school tomorrow. Work and teachers suck ass, but I miss my friends, so it'll be cool to see them. Well, everyone except for Cartman, of course.


	5. 21 March Kenny

Monday, March 21

Dear Journal,

Stan came up to me today, asking for advice about his problem with Kyle. I had noticed that something was going on lately, but I didn't want to say anything. I don't like to go around being a nosy shit, but hey, as long as I'm welcome...

Anyway, the problem is, Stan has been avoiding Kyle a lot these past few weeks. It really seems to have gotten to Kyle, so Stan asked me how he could fix things between them. Frankly, I think Stan's just being an asshole, and Kyle doesn't deserve to be treated like that. I don't understand what caused such a huge-ass change in the first place. He and Stan have been best friends for a really long time, so why Stan would bullshit Kyle like this all of a sudden? I asked him that, and he didn't give me much of an answer. He just said something about having this big problem but not wanting it to come between him and Kyle. How the hell am I supposed to help him if I don't know what he's talking about? Way to be vague when you're asking for advice, Stan.

Dammit, I really don't want to go to school tomorrow, so I think I might skip. Seriously, no one should have to go to school on his birthday. Hopefully I can find some money somewhere and go do some crazy shit, maybe get a hooker or something. Heh, just kidding...mostly. Maybe I can get the guys to skip too, and we can all go hang out. Kyle probably wouldn't, though. He never misses school if he can help it, fuckin' nerd. I'll try to convince him to. While I'm at it, maybe I can convince Stan to talk to Kyle again and stop worrying about whatever that problem he's having is. That seems like a lot of work, though, so screw that; I'm not doing any work tomorrow. I'll be lucky if I'm even sober before the day ends, if things go as planned.

Well, I'm gonna go now. My dad's yelling at me to do something. I guess I'll write more in a few days.


	6. 24 March Kyle

Thursday, March 24

Dear Journal,

Kenny's birthday was on Tuesday. He told us he was skipping school and invited us to go with him. Stan and Cartman went, but I couldn't go because I had two tests that day and I didn't want to miss them. I wish I could've gone, though, because school was really boring without them there. At lunch, no one I usually sit with was there, so I had to sit with Butters. Jesus Christ, he talks about the most random shit. He talked about his new cat for thirty minutes! I didn't feel like paying attention, so I just kinda sat there, nodded my head, and pretended like I was listening. Truthfully, I was just thinking about seeing my friends. I hope they had fun. They said they didn't do much, just went to the arcade and goofed off for a few hours. But still, I was so glad when the school day was over. When I went over to Kenny's house, the guys were all there in the living room, and Kenny said he had gotten something awesome. I asked what it was, and he pulled out a bottle of liquor. He said he stole it from his dad. I was surprised to say the least; not only had Kenny stolen from his dad, but he had stolen alcohol, and I know we're way too young to start drinking. However, Kenny said he really wanted to celebrate his birthday, and he wanted us all to take part if we could. I wasn't sure about it because I was afraid that when I came home, my mom would know what I did (she knows everything, no matter how hard I try to hide it). Kenny said I could just have a little bit, and she wouldn't be able to tell the difference. I reluctantly agreed, and that's when I tried alcohol for the first time.

I never thought one drink could taste so horrible. I guess when someone's drunk off his ass, he doesn't give a shit about the taste. I only had a little bit, though I wish I could say the same about the guys. Stan, Kenny, and Cartman collectively drank the rest of the bottle. Stan is really weird when he's drunk. He kept clinging on to me, saying he was "sorry for all the lies". He kept saying how much he cared about me and how he didn't want to ruin our friendship. I had no idea what he was talking about; I don't know if it really means anything or if he was just saying random things. Kenny was even worse, though. He started running around the house, singing "Happy Birthday" as loud as he could. He fell down somewhere as he was running and hit his head pretty badly. Cartman didn't get as drunk as Stan and Kenny (you know, since he's such a fatass, all that alcohol didn't affect him as much), but he was still pretty bad too. He talked a lot, insulting us even worse than usual, cursing in every other word. Then he barfed all over Kenny's couch, called it a cock-sucking whore and threatened to kill it. I think Stan and Kenny might've thrown up too, if I'm not mistaken, but I think they managed to go outside and do it. Lucky me, I didn't have enough to have the effects they did. I felt a little different than normal, but for the most part I was okay. After witnessing my friends' experience, I don't think I want to drink more than I did that night. I came home later, and my mom never did find out what I did, thank God. I tried to avoid talking to her so she wouldn't ask any questions, and it seemed to work out pretty nicely.

The next day, all the guys came to school with huge hangovers, which I thought was pretty funny. They kept saying they never wanted to get drunk again, but by the end of the day Kenny had already planned to have us over again sometime soon. That figures. Well, as long as none of us develops a drinking problem, I think it'll be all right. Maybe after a while, I'll finally get used to the whole situation, and I'll be able to drink as much as everybody else.

I doubt it, though.


	7. 31 March Stan

Thursday, March 31

Dear Journal,

Sorry I haven't written in a while, but I just haven't really had the chance. Things have been pretty good, though. I talked to Kenny about a week ago. I wasn't sure it would help, but it did made me feel a little better to at least get some things out, even if I was too afraid to tell him what was really wrong with me. It was just nice to know I had someone there to listen to me.

'Sides, I came up with the best advice for myself completely on my own. I thought about it pretty hard, and I realized the best way to make sure no one finds out (especially Kyle) is to just act like nothing's different. So, after Kenny's birthday (which was awesome, by the way), I decided to get back on good terms with Kyle. I apologized for being an asshole (though I didn't explain why I was being that way), and asked if we could hang out again, like we used to.

I gotta say, I like this a lot better. Even though it's torture being around Kyle and not being able to show him how I feel, just being around him and spending time with him as a friend makes me so happy. I hate the thought of keeping this a secret forever, but it's worth it if I can be with him as a friend, at least. I hope things can stay this way, and Kyle and I can be best friends forever. Well, I've got to go. I'm meeting Kyle in a few minutes at the movies. Dammit, there are so many things I'd like to do to him in a dark theater...but I'll try to hold back. I have to, for the sake of our friendship.

I hope this all keeps working out.


	8. 4 April Kenny

Monday, April 4

Dear Journal,

School was pretty boring today. One funny thing that happened, though, was when we were in gym class. We were running laps, and Cartman fell and totally busted his ass. God, it was so funny. No one in our class could stop laughing until the end of the day. Holy crap, it would be so hilarious if he had actually broken his ass and he had to sit on one of those seat-ring things...or even wear an ASS CAST. I can't even imagine it without cracking up. That would probably be impossible, though. Cartman has way too many layers of cushion on his ass to ever be able to break it. Well, enough about Cartman's ass. That's too wide a subject to talk about (heh, gotta love puns). It could take days to have a full conversation about it.

Anyway, Stan talked to me again today, and I managed to get a few things out of him. I found out something pretty interesting about him: he's, like, crazy fucking in love with somebody.

Okay, so he didn't actually say that; he only said he liked somebody (and very reluctantly, might I add), but I could tell by the look in his eyes that it was more than that. But anyway, I got curious, so I asked Stan who he liked, and the bastard wouldn't tell me! That's not like Stan to keep stuff like that a secret. He usually tells anybody and everybody within earshot when he likes somebody, even if we really don't give a fuck. And the one time I actually do care, he has to go and hide it! What an asshole.

So, figuratively speaking, he's walking around with this huge, throbbing boner, but he's trying his best to hide it. Eventually, though, the white, sticky truth will come out, all over that girl's face. I wonder who it is. I bet she's hot. She must really be something; I could tell by the look on Stan's face when he was talking about her. It kinda reminded me of the way Cartman looks at pie or Mel Gibson. Hmm, I wonder if Kyle knows who she is; he and Stan seem to talk about everything. You know, Stan and Kyle are so close that I bet if one of them was a chick, they'd totally be banging by now. That'd be really hot to see. Aah, dammit, what the hell am I saying! I shouldn't have looked at that Playboy before I started writing in here. Now it's laying on my bed, waiting for me to return to it. It's hypnotizing me! Um, I gotta go...


	9. 6 April Kyle

Wednesday, April 6

Dear Journal,

Today was pretty crappy. I don't know; I guess I'm just feeling kinda bad about what Kenny told me earlier. He said that Stan really likes somebody, which isn't bad at all, but I feel a little offended that Stan couldn't tell me, his best friend, about it. We used to talk to each other about everything, and now he doesn't even tell me little things like this. I'm usually the first person he tells anything, no matter what it is! We were having some trouble lately, but I thought all of that was cleared up. I don't understand. I'm happy that Stan and I are best friends again, but sometimes his behavior around me seems…forced. Like he's trying to act like things are still the same as they were before. The thing is, I don't get why things _wouldn't_ be the way they were before! Why doesn't Stan want to talk to me anymore? At that moment I became really confused, and I think Kenny was a little, too, because he expected that I already knew all about Stan's girl trouble. At least I'm not the only one who thinks something's a little strange about this.

Maybe Stan just hasn't gotten the chance to tell me yet; we didn't really see much of each other at school today. Maybe he saw Kenny first. And he didn't tell Kenny much about his situation, so he'd probably tell me everything if I just asked him. I guess I can do that sometime soon. Yeah, I think I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. I'm acting stupid. Heh, what the hell came over me? It's almost like I was jealous...of Stan and Kenny's friendship. They have been getting kinda close lately. But I really shouldn't worry about that. We're all friends here; I don't need to have Stan all to myself. And I wouldn't want to.

Anyway, I think I'm gonna go. I have some Calculus homework and shit that needs to get done. Well, not shit literally...okay, I definitely don't know what I'm saying anymore. I'll write more later, when my mind is cleared up and functioning properly.


	10. 11 April Kyle

Monday, April 11

Dear Journal,

I don't even know what to do anymore. I was hanging out with Stan after school today; we were alone and I knew this was my chance to talk to him, so I casually asked him about the girl Kenny told me about, and he totally blew up in my face! He said it was none of my goddamn business and I should just stay out of his fucking life. I don't know what the hell is wrong with him. Why does everything have to a big secret with him, and what does he not want me to know?

After that, he just continued to explode at me. He said…he said that sometimes he just couldn't stand to be around me. God, when he said that, it hurt. I felt like my best friend had just taken my insides and thrown them across the room. It hurt so much I could barely breathe. Then he just stopped talking—I think he didn't even know what else to say, and either way, I didn't want to hear it.

I can tell by the way he acted today that he doesn't want to be my friend anymore. Well, he can be that way if he wants; I don't give a fuck. I told him if that's the way he feels, then he could consider our friendship over. He just left without saying another word. His face was pale, and he was shaking. He looked terrible. Good. I hope he's regretting every last fucking word he said to me. I hope he feels like shit, because I know I do.

I guess if he wants to act so fucking distant all the time, then we don't have to be friends anymore. I can find new friends! I don't need him! Just because he's been the closest person in my life ever since preschool and we've been through everything together...shit. Ah, fuck him! Why does this have to hurt so badly? Why did Stan have to change so much? I hate it when people change like that; now I'll look back on old times and...it'll just...suck. Everything sucks! God, listen to me. I sound like one of those stupid, angsty Goths. Well, I'm not gonna stoop down to that shit. That's something Stan would do. I'll be just fine. I'll find a new best friend or whatever, and everything will be great. I'll show Stan that I don't need him and his lousy friendship...or at least make him think that.


	11. 12 April Stan

A/N: Yay, the holidays are approaching, and here's your present: a quick update! Yeah, I know that was lame; I guess I'll just have to get you guys gift certificates instead. But until then, enjoy this new chapter, and have a very happy Christmas, Hannukah, Kwanzaa, or whatever you celebrate!

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Tuesday, April 12

Dear Journal,

Shit, I totally fucked up. I can't believe I lashed out at Kyle like that. Dammit, I'm such a coward. I didn't want to tell Kyle how I feel about him because I was afraid it would ruin our friendship, and now, by hiding everything from him, I've screwed things up anyway! I guess I'm just...afraid to tell him the truth. No, not even that--I'm fucking petrified. He'd probably either laugh in my face, get pissed off, or be totally disgusted. With any way, he'd never look at me the same way again. I couldn't stand that. I have to get his friendship back the way it is, I just have to!

Dammit, I don't know what to do. I'm no good at this stuff. I really fucked up. I mean, I really, really fucked up. God, I told Kyle that I couldn't stand to be around him sometimes. I could see how much it hurt him the second I said that. The sad thing about it is that it's true! Being around Kyle tears me up inside. I keep trying to just get past everything whenever I'm around him, but it's not that easy. I feel like I'm putting on an act so I can look normal and Kyle can see right through me. Everything now seems…fake. Sometimes it's just easier not to be around him at all.

God, why can't I just be normal? Why can't I just be happy with having girls as girlfriends and Kyle as my normal, platonic best guy friend? I wish there was some kind of pill to make people straight--I'd down the whole fucking bottle. Then I could hang out with Kyle like I used to, and things would be just great. We could even go on heterosexual double dates together with our hot, sexy, female girlfriend chicks, and everything would be nice and...heterosexual. I mean, I don't have a problem with gay people or anything, but I don't want to be one. It's too difficult. Gay people get a lot of shit. They can't even get married in most places. I don't want to settle with being "butt buddies" with someone I love and care about. I would never want to be Kyle's "butt buddy"...well, okay, maybe I would, but in another way. God, I'm sick. I really need to start looking for those anti-gay pills. Maybe I should become a scientist and make them myself...I bet I'd make millions. But no, people shouldn't change the way they are, so I couldn't do that. Scratch that; everyone except for me shouldn't change the way they are.

Argh, I really need to talk to Kyle. I don't know what to say, though. I guess I'll just get down on my knees and--ugh, that was a bad choice of words. Yeah, that'd be a great way to try to make amends with him, trying to blow him off right in front of everyone. But anyway, I guess that's really the only thing I can do--just apologize to him like crazy. I wish I could give him a good excuse for why I yelled at him so badly. I wish I were a chick so I could say I was on the rag or something--they can use that excuse for anything. On second thought, I wish I were a chick so I could actually have a chance with Kyle. Then I wouldn't have to worry about becoming a scientist and fabricating my pills. I probably wouldn't make a good scientist, anyway; I'm practically failing chemistry as it is. Okay, well, I'm gonna go rehearse what to say to Kyle. It needs to be kick-ass so he can forgive me for being a piece of shit and we can be friends again. I really need to stop screwing myself over like this. One day he's gonna stop forgiving me, but hopefully that day hasn't come yet. I'm gonna hope not.


	12. 14 April Stan

A/N: All right, so I promised myself--swore up and down--that I would finish my other incomplete story, Tutor Me, before I even touched this story again, but meh...I'm in such a Style mood that I couldn't help myself! Anyway, to get people back into this story, I've decided to post a nice chapter of...filler mostly. But it's quality filler, semi-fluffy angst--flangst, if you will. Please enjoy, and don't forget to review. Come on now. You know you want to review.

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Thursday, April 14 

Dear Journal,

It feels like I haven't written in here in forever, even though it's only been a couple of days. I guess time drags when you're agonizing over how to make your best friend like you again after you said some pretty shitty things to him. I haven't talked to Kyle yet. I was going to the day after we fought, but I just couldn't. I tried all that night to think of the perfect way to ask for his forgiveness, but nothing seemed right. I felt like I was at a loss for words. Just looking at him from far away after what happened terrified the crap out of me; trying to talk to him up close would've been even worse.

Jesus Christ, when did I become such a pussy?

Either way, I've waited two days already, so I really need to talk to him tomorrow, no matter what. And I'm going to. I'm ready now. After two days of thinking about it, I know how I'm gonna make things right with Kyle again.

First of all, if I do manage to get him to start talking to me again, there's one question I need to be prepared to have an answer to. It's what started this whole stupid falling-out, the fact that he knows I like somebody. God dammit, Kenny! I didn't know he was gonna go tell Kyle about it! But the point is, Kyle knows too much, but thankfully, he doesn't know _too _much, if that makes any sense. What I'm saying is, I can still lie about who I like (well, love, but he doesn't know that), and that's exactly what I'm gonna do. That's really what I should have done when he first asked me, just made up some vague story (and I could've easy gotten away with it; he thinks I like some girl) and brushed it aside, but I don't know, just knowing he was getting closer to finding out how I feel about him made me extremely nervous…and I freaked out. I gotta stop doing that! This is becoming some kind of vicious cycle!

The second thing I need to do is show him that I didn't mean any of what I said to him. I want him to know how much I really regret saying I couldn't stand to be around him, which seemed to hurt him the most. It hurt me, too, because I really didn't mean it like that. I love being around him. I love practically everything about him.

And that's sorta how I'm gonna apologize to him. I'm gonna let him know just why I really _can_ stand to be around him, and not only that, but how I want and like and love to be around him. I'm gonna try to remind him of all the great times we've had together and how much those times mean to me. And I'm gonna let him know all the little things I like about him. Like his curly red Jew-fro; he hates it, but I love it because I know I'll never lose him in a big crowd of people—I can just look for the guy with the big flaming red hair, haha. It's definitely something that calls attention to him, but I think it matches him perfectly because he's the type of person you notice. And I love how nice he is to other people, like sometimes he'll sit with Butters at lunch when no one else will, and he'll work together with him on projects where you need a partner—they're both really smart, so I know Kyle doesn't mind it as much as he says he does; I bet he likes it even just a little bit. He's always helping people, too—I know there are a lot of times when he's helped me with my homework when I'm sure he had a lot of better things to do. And I can't forget about Kyle's hat, which is still the nicest hat I've ever known. I hope he remembers that.

Anyway, I'm rambling, but you get the point. I know my idea sounds totally gay right now, but I just need to tone it down a little. I can't help wanting to say things like that! He's such a great friend, not just to me, but to everybody else…

I gotta get him back!


	13. 15 April Kenny

A/N: Let me just say that this is one of the more narrative-esque journal entries, but it serves an important purpose, as dialogue plays an important role in what Kenny recounts here. There will be more entries like this every once in a while. But anyway, let me also say thanks to Lilchicky004 for reviewing chapter twelve. And while I appreciate that very much :), I would looooooove it if I got a few more reviews for this chapter, or else I might have to pull out the bribery. So come on!

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Friday, April 15

Dear Journal,

Well, today was interesting, to say the least. I found out more about my friends than I ever thought was even there to find out.

Today started out like any normal day. I was hanging out with Stan before class started, struggling to stay awake as usual. It was about ten minutes before the bell was supposed to ring, and we were walking down the hallway, talking about some halfway decent video game that's coming out soon, and all of a sudden Stan just freakin' stopped right in the middle of the hallway. He looked like he had forgotten how to breathe or something. The expression on his face looked like a mixture of shock, disgust, and…heartbreak.

Now I had to know what had caused such a reaction from Stan. I followed his line of vision, and all I saw was Kyle. Big whoop, but he wasn't alone.

He was with Wendy, and they were holding hands.

Hmm, Kyle had mentioned Wendy a couple of times in the past week, and I hadn't really thought much about it. I guess they were dating now.

I glanced back at Stan, who looked like he was going to throw up at any second. He was still staring at them in disbelief.

And in that instant, something in my brain clicked. Stan liked Wendy! That's why he was so mad at Kyle! He must've seen them together before, or knew that Kyle was talking to her, and he was jealous.

Jeez, I didn't know Stan liked Wendy that much, or even at all. I'd rarely seen them talk. They didn't really have anything in common, either. I mean, I know they liked each other back in elementary school, but that was fucking elementary school. That was years ago. Why the fuck was Stan trying to live in the past?

I brought this up by saying, "Dude, you know it wouldn't have worked out between you two anyway," and he flipped. He looked close to tears, but he managed not to cry because he's a guy, and guys don't cry at school.

"You don't even know how fucking hard this is for me!" he screamed at me, catching the attention of almost every person in that damn hallway, but thankfully not Kyle or Wendy, who were standing on the opposite end and appeared to be caught up in deep conversation. I felt guilty for thinking they looked good together.

Stan was beginning to act fucking insane, so to save him the embarrassment of having a goddamn meltdown in front of everyone, I grabbed him by the arm and dragged him to an empty janitor's closet. At a time like that, I figured I could deal with any innuendos later. Right then, I needed to find a way to calm him down and get some much-wanted answers.

Once we were safely locked in the closet, I asked Stan what the fuck was wrong with him. I was trying hard not to raise my voice too loudly, even though I wanted to scold the living fuck out of him for acting so ridiculous. If I had, though, that might've been my fifth time caught in that very closet, and I really wasn't looking for a detention that day. Stan was visibly shaken, so I thought it would be better to try to calm him down anyway. "I never seen you this upset before," I said.

Stan looked almost too hysterical to talk. "I…I've n-never felt like this before," he managed to choke out.

I placed my hand on his shoulder, then embraced him in a tight hug. Poor guy. "Look, Stan, I know it's hard, but you're gonna have to get over this. And you will. There are a million chicks out there, and there could be any one of them who's better for you than Wendy."

At this, I felt his muscles tighten, and he began to tremble. It kinda scared me. "WENDY?!" was all he could say. "NO!!"

Shit, I was really getting afraid that someone was going to catch us in there. But more than nervous, I was confused. I didn't know what he meant by that.

"What?"

"Dammit, Kenny, I don't like Wendy!"

He started thrashing around the closet in frustration, and I was left scratching my head. If the thought of Kyle and Wendy together made him so upset, but he didn't want Wendy…then by process of elimination…eh, what?

"You like Kyle?"

"NO!!" he screamed at me, ready to burst into tears.

I didn't know what he was getting at, but his next sentence made everything very clear.

"I LOVE KYLE!!" With that, he started sobbing, and I once again put my arms around him, trying to calm him down.

Oh.

That's all I could think of. Oh. Because really, it all made sense. That's why Stan's been such an emotional douche bag lately. That's why he's hysterical over Kyle and Wendy being together. This must be torture for him. I knew Stan and Kyle were close, but damn.

I guess you learn new things everyday.


	14. 16 April Stan

A/N: Sorry for the long-ass update time, guys. I have terrible writing habits! But winter break is coming up really soon, and I'll have a lot more free time on my hands, so hopefully I can start pumping out chapters a lot more frequently. But anyway, thanks so much to StanxKyleftw and Lilchicky004 for their reviews of Kenny's last entry. And thanks to everyone else who's been reading!

Oh yeah, and I might be tempted to update sooner if I get at least three reviews for this chapter...that's not asking too much, is it?

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Saturday, April 16

Dear Journal,

Yesterday had to be one of the worst days of my entire life. I feel so…stupid. I was finally ready to talk to Kyle again, and I blew it. I waited too long, and now it's too late.

Yesterday morning before classes started, I was walking around with Kenny, trying to kill some time so I could work up the nerve to approach Kyle, and then I saw him…with Wendy. They were all fucking _over_ each other, all absorbed in what the other was saying and shit like that. I knew it instantly--they were together. Kyle was a busy guy now. He looked happy. He clearly didn't give a fuck if we weren't friends anymore; he had other things to worry about.

And it also gave me proof that he would never, ever want to be with me. He likes girls. He likes Wendy.

After seeing that, I couldn't help myself--I snapped. It was too many horrible things to handle all at once, and I got hysterical. Luckily, Kenny was there, and he was thoughtful enough to get me the fuck away from there before I did or said something I might've regretted later. We ended up going into a janitor's closet (not like that), where he tried to make me feel better, but it wasn't working. He wasn't getting it; he thought I was upset because of Wendy. Not that I wanted him to know the truth, but at that point, I had to tell somebody or my chest was going to explode. So I told Kenny. More like, I screamed it at him...and then…he knew.

He didn't judge me; he just held me and told me it was going to be okay. I know that's not really true, but it was nice to have someone there to comfort me. Suddenly, I didn't feel quite so alone. And he wasn't going to tell Kyle. He promised me, and I trusted him. Kenny really is a good friend. I feel bad for not spending enough time with him over the years. At least one good thing came out of this; now I appreciate my friendship with Kenny more than ever, and I have someone to help me through all this shit.

I managed to make it through the day, but it was tough. I wasn't able to see Kenny for most of the day, so I had to deal with things on my own, which I guess I should really be doing anyway. I tried to concentrate in class as hard as I could so I wouldn't have to think about anything else, but by the middle of the day, all it did was make my head hurt. I just wanted to go home and go to sleep, but I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep even if I tried. So I kept going, and eventually school was over.

Last night wasn't so bad. I wanted to hide in my room and sulk for the rest of the night, but Kenny wouldn't let me. He came over a few hours after school let out, and we ended up playing video games for a while. At one point, he asked me if I wanted to talk about anything, but I told him no. I'm really not ready to talk about all of this. I need time to adjust to Kenny knowing about me.

After Kenny left, I tried to go to sleep, but it was hard. My body was tired, but my mind kept racing. Everything from that morning kept playing over and over again in my head, even though I didn't want it to, and I didn't get to sleep until three in the morning. Luckily I was able to stay asleep. I slept late today. It's around two o'clock right now, and I just got up about twenty minutes ago. Sleeping a lot really helped. Now my mind is a little clearer, and my head doesn't hurt anymore. I might hang out with Kenny later, and hopefully he can help take my mind off yesterday even more.

It still hurts. I may feel a little better than I did yesterday, but I still have that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I know that won't go away easily. I can't stop picturing how happy Kyle looked yesterday. It hurts to see him like that and to know he'll never look at me the way he was looking at her. The sad thing is, I should know all this already. I do know. In my mind, I know that wanting to be with Kyle is just hurting me and has already fucked up our friendship pretty damn bad. I know that I just need to let it go, as hard as it is. But my stupid goddamn heart is hoping otherwise, and it won't listen to common sense. It keeps hoping that one day Kyle is going to realize he loves me too and that everything is gonna end up all happy and gay and wonderful. It has a _feeling_ about it, but God dammit, it's wrong!

The problem is, it doesn't feel wrong.

And I think that's what sucks most about everything.


	15. 18 April Kyle

A/N: First of all, thanks to everyone who reviewed the last chapter: Invader Bijou, Famous Living Dead, Sky Sparrow, channe, and prophetofdoomy. Sorry about not getting this chapter out sooner; finals and work have been keeping me really busy. But I'm on break now, so I'll definitely be able to get chapters out sooner. Especially if I get...say, at least four or five reviews for this chapter? That'd be great. Anyway, thanks for reading, everybody. I'll shut up now.

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Monday, April 18

Dear Journal,

So, I have a girlfriend now. This is the first time this has happened to me in years, and I couldn't be happier about it. Wendy really is great. She and I get along so well; it seems like we always have something to talk about. God, I feel so lucky. I didn't think I could ever get someone like her.

I hadn't really mentioned anything about it in here (didn't want to jinx it, I guess), but Wendy and I have been seeing each other a lot over the past few weeks. At first it was mostly just during classes (we share a lot of them); we'd sit beside each other and make small talk about random stuff like how boring the teacher made class that day or just start making fun of Cartman and bitch about how much of an asshole he is to both of us. It wasn't long before we both realized how much we had in common. I wasn't sure right away if I liked Wendy that way, but I knew I definitely wanted to hang out with her more.

So I did. The next thing I knew, our conversations in class carried on between classes and eventually after school. And last week, I finally got the courage to ask her out. Thankfully, she said yes, so last Thursday (yeah, I know, kind of a weird day to go out, but whatever, we have busy schedules), we went on our first date. It was just a typical dinner and a movie, nothing out of the ordinary—that is, until I got ready to drop her off at her house. We were laughing, talking about the stupid plot in the movie we just saw; she was about to get out of the car, and suddenly, we both got silent. I became really nervous, especially when we started to get closer, and then…you know. We kissed. And it was amazing! She tasted like cherry lip gloss. When it was over, she simply said, "Good night," and hopped out of the car, leaving me speechless. It was…a great night.

Seeing as how things went so well the night before, that next morning at school, I made things official with Wendy. It's great to have this area of my life be going so well right now, especially when other things…aren't so good.

Stan never apologized for what he said to me last week. The thing is, I really _thought_ he would; I wasn't just _hoping_. I thought he would that next day even, and when he didn't, I was surprised. Then one day toward the end of last week, I just _knew_ he was going to—I had a feeling about it—but as it turned out, I was wrong. I guess that means he's truly not sorry. That hurts, because he said some harsh things and now I know he apparently meant every word of it. But I've been thinking about it, and I've decided something—fuck Stan. He's changed—I don't even know why--and now he's someone I don't know anymore. I don't want to be best friends with the person Stan has become, so if he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, then fine.

I'm pretty sure he's already replaced me anyway (in a fucking week, I know). Anytime I see him now, he's with Kenny, and they look like they've gotten close. I guess Kenny is his new super best friend. But whatever, I don't care. Stan may have found somebody else to spend his time with, but so have I.

I'm glad all of this happened. I'm better off now anyway.


	16. 26 April Stan

A/N: All right, no excuses for not updating this time. Sure, I've been busy, but I'm also terrible at updating. I'll just leave it at that. P

But I do have good news--I've already written the next chapter for this, and if you guys are still into this story, I'll update in exactly two weeks from today (unless something extremely horrible happens to me and renders me unable to update, which hopefully won't happen). So, yeah--thanks for the reviews of the last chapter, and of course, I'd love some more for this chapter. Thanks for reading!

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Tuesday, April 26

Dear Journal,

Today was an okay day. I found out that somehow I passed that chemistry test I took yesterday, and after school, I got to hang out with Kenny. We went to Shakey's and the arcade, and it was pretty fun. I guess you could say I've been spending a lot of time with Kenny lately. We've hung out every day for about two weeks straight.

I think Kenny knows I'm using him as a crutch. I'm sure he knows the reason I hang out with him so much is so that I can try to forget about Kyle. But hopefully he also knows that I really do enjoy his company, aside from any Kyle problems I have, and that I consider him to be one of my best friends. I think he knows. And even if Kyle and I ever did start talking again and hanging out like we used to, I would never ditch Kenny. That'd be a real dick move on my part if I did that. Kenny's a good guy. I wouldn't do that to him, especially considering how much he's been helping me.

From what I've noticed, though, I think part of the reason Kenny's been agreeing to hang out with me so much isn't because he really, really wants to, but because he feels a little bad for me and doesn't want me to be alone for too long. But really, I'm fine. I need to work some things out in my life, but overall, I'm doing okay. Not awesome or anything like that, but okay. I hope he doesn't think I'm gonna start acting all depressed and write poetry and stuff. That's stupid. Yeah, I hung out with the Goth kids once, but that was a long time ago. Ironically, I did it because I was depressed over Wendy. It's weird to think that I used to go out with her back in the third and fourth grade…and now Kyle's with her. If we were still best friends, I wonder if Kyle would care that he's dating my ex-girlfriend, however long ago that may have been. It's funny that there was a time before when I was jealous of the two of them being around each other. I used to be jealous of him, but now I'm jealous of her. Times sure have changed.

But anyway, after the arcade, Kenny and I went back to my house. We started talking, and eventually he gave me some advice. He told me that even though I resent Kyle being with Wendy, I should still try to talk to him again soon, because our friendship is the most important thing. I don't know if I want to do that. I'll have to think about it.

I guess it makes sense. I do miss Kyle…a lot. It feels like forever since I last spoke to him, and even then, things didn't go so well that last time. But when I think about that, I wonder that if we were to talk to each other again, if I'd just continue to blow up at him as easily as I have been doing and have to keep apologizing over and over…it seems pointless. He _gets_ to me, and I can't help it when it happens—I can't seem to control my emotions around him. And I don't think that's improved at all, so maybe I should just continue to wait. But I might end up having to wait for a really long time, and I don't know if I can go that long without talking to him.

Kenny's advice was pretty vague. Asshole. He told me what I should do, but he didn't tell me when I should do it. Probably because it's something I should decide for myself. Okay, he's not an asshole. I'm just indecisive and unsure. I don't want to do the wrong thing, after all. And I especially don't want to try to talk to Kyle while he's around Wendy, which is basically all the damn time now. I don't want to look like a jackass. I need to find some time when he's completely alone, which probably won't happen for a while.

Which gives me time to put it off. I like that idea.


	17. 27 April Kyle

A/N: Okay, I lied. I said I would update in exactly two weeks, and I didn't do that. Strangely enough, I actually updated _earlier_. How 'bout that?

Anyway, thanks to sommerabend and kookygurl82 for reviewing the last entry. And just so you know, I should have the next entry up in the next two weeks. Thanks for reading!

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Wednesday, April 27

Dear Journal,

You'll never believe it, but the funniest thing happened to me today! I was waiting for Wendy after school, and all of a sudden I saw Stan coming over to me. And as it turned out, he actually wanted to talk to me! I think he might have been attempting to finally apologize to me, but I saved him the trouble by laughing in his face. What a stupid asshole! I topped it all off by telling him to fuck off, and then I walked away. I saw the hurt look on his face, and it made the dark part of me smile. At that moment, I kinda felt like Cartman (except not fat and stupid), who's always trying his best to make other people feel like shit. But really, sometimes it does feel good to hurt other people's feelings, especially when they're asking for it, like Stan was today.

Okay, so it might sound like I'm being a little harsh. And I probably am, but dammit, Stan deserves it! He had his chance to make up with me—he's had plenty of chances these past couple of weeks—and he blew it. I just don't trust the guy anymore. If it's taking him this long to feel bad about all those things he said to me, then obviously he doesn't value me much as a person or as a friend. I still don't get why he suddenly stopped caring about me. It makes no sense; things were great for the longest time, and then, just like that…they weren't. I have a feeling there's something going on with Stan that's made him turn out this way, but I can't put my finger on it. I just don't understand.

Sometimes I…I really wish he would change back. To be honest, I miss the old Stan a lot. I may not want anything to do with the new Stan (hence my giving him the cold shoulder today), but it tears me up inside not to be with the old Stan. I really, really wish the old Stan would come back. I don't feel right without him. Sure, I've been happy lately with Wendy, but honestly, I know things would be that much better, almost perfect even, if I had my best friend with me too. Unfortunately, he's gone, and I don't know when--or even if--he's coming back.

Maybe I should've let Stan talk to me today. Maybe I would've seen a glimmer of the old Stan in his eyes and knew that everything was going to be okay. But I made my choice, and for now anyway, I feel it was the right one. Besides, I'm kidding myself if I think the old Stan is still in there. This choice was practical. Cold but practical.

But anyway, I need to get going. I think I'm gonna give Wendy a call and then do some homework. I'll write more later.


	18. 27 April Kenny

A/N: Hello hello! Here's another timely update. Thanks to kookygurl82 and Sky Sparrow for reviewing the last chapter. And thanks to everyone else for reading!

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Wednesday, April 27

Dear Journal,

I gotta be honest about something. I feel terrible about this, but it's the truth, and I need to get it off my chest.

Stan is getting on my goddamn nerves.

There, I said it.

I don't mean to sound like a complete asshole about this, but I just can't take Stan being so damn clingy around me. It was fine at first, but now it's getting really difficult to be around him so much. Day after day he wants to spend all his free time with me, which takes up all my free time too…and dammit, I have other things I want to do. I'm sorry, but I have a life...and other obligations I've been holding off on.

But I feel terrible because I know he needs me. Or at least he feels like he does. I think he'll be okay after a while, but I don't know when. I don't want to just abandon him and leave him to get depressed or anything. That's why I started spending so much time with him in the first place. I don't know what to do.

He needs to talk to Kyle again. He needs his best buddy, and that's just not me. I know I could never replace Kyle, and I don't want to. Damn, I just wish Stan wasn't in love with the guy. I know Stan wishes that too. Even so, I really do think he could get past it if he tried, but I don't think he's willing to make the effort right now, especially not after what happened today. Apparently, he actually tried to talk to Kyle, but Kyle wasn't having it. Kyle completely shut him down before Stan had a chance to say anything, and now Stan's even more reluctant to make up with Kyle than ever before.

Dammit, I gotta get these two back together. All right, I'm getting an idea. Maybe I could plan some kind of get-together—Stan, Kyle, me, and Cartman—to clear the air. And maybe having all of us there would cut down on the tension between the two of them. We could have fun, and they could reconcile their differences. And Stan could just tuck his boner for Kyle away for the time being, and everything would be awesome.

Personally, I think this is a great idea. But then again, I think all my ideas are great. This one's gotta work out. Stan and Kyle can at least be on speaking terms again, and I can have my Kenny time back. Again, I'm sorry, but I need that shit.

All right, I'm gonna go get my plan underway. I just hope I can get these two to agree to it. I hope they don't act like pussies.

I guess I'll find out soon.


	19. 29 April Stan

A/N: Another update! Thanks so much to Loca Bambina, kookygurl82, nina-neko, hollistergirl85, and mano3813 for reviewing the last chapter. I will, however, have to officially dedicate this chapter to hollistergirl85, who not only reviewed the last chapter but every single other one as well! I mean...damn. That's totally awesome. 

And again, thanks to everyone for reading!

* * *

Friday, April 29

Dear Journal,

Man, I can't believe I agreed to this. Kyle's actually coming to my house tonight.

Kenny somehow coerced me into going through with this plan of his to get Kyle and me talking again. I don't know if it'll work, mainly because Kyle hates me now, which I came to find out a few days ago.

I made a terrible choice the other day. Usually Kyle's around Wendy everyday after school, but on Wednesday he was alone for some reason. I was feeling impulsive, so I figured here's my chance to talk to him; I'd better take it. So I did, and everything completely backfired. Kyle wouldn't even hear me out. As soon as he saw me, he told me to fuck off and walked away. God, that hurt. He seemed so cold, like he really didn't care about me or about anything I had to say. I hope he doesn't stay this mad at me for too long. I mean, I deserve it, but after all we've been through, I think I also deserve a chance to fix things the best I can.

Which hopefully I can do tonight. Anyway, back to the plan. I don't know how he did it, but Kenny somehow managed to get Kyle to agree to come over here and hang out tonight. Kenny and Cartman are coming too, and hopefully they can help me to keep Kyle from storming out and having everything turn shitty. If all goes well, maybe we can all have fun hanging out like we usually would had none of this mess ever happened.

I know I've said this before, but I just really have to learn how to control my feelings for Kyle whenever I'm around him, especially now that he's with Wendy. That's gonna be extremely hard to do, but it's even harder having to live with him hating me, so I really need to focus and put all my attention into suppressing my feelings. I hadn't been trying hard enough before, but this time I have to throw caution to the wind and do it. Just suck up my feelings every time I'm around the guy and promise myself to get back to them later. I could probably do it if I tried.

But anyway, I think confiding with Kenny has really helped me. I feel like I'm not as unstable in dealing with everything as I was before I confessed everything to him. As hard as it was telling someone else, it feels like a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And it's been great hanging out with Kenny lately, though I'm kinda getting the feeling that I'm getting on his nerves. And I probably am. I know I've really been up his ass, which is probably why he's trying to get me and Kyle talking again. I feel kinda bad to have been bothering him so much, but at least I know he cares about me if he's able to put up with me. So even if Kenny doesn't like being around me as much as I like being around him, he's still a good friend, and that's what's important.

God, I'm nervous. The guys should be here any minute. I really hope Kyle shows up. I know he already told Kenny he would, but you never know—he could just say screw it and find something better to do someplace else. I really hope that doesn't happen. But if I know Kyle, he'll show up. He doesn't usually break promises, and I know Kenny made him promise to come here tonight. And no matter how much of an asshole Kyle thinks I am, I still think he wants to be friends with me. I know it. So Kyle's gotta show up.

Oh shit, I think the doorbell rang a minute ago. I wasn't even paying attention. Well, I gotta go. Hopefully everything will go well tonight. Wish me luck, if that's possible.

Hopefully by the next time I write in here, Kyle and I will be best friends again.

Dammit, I hope so.


	20. 29 April Mystery Guest

A/N: Hello! Sorry this update didn't come quite as quickly, but I've just been extremely busy lately. Therefore, I thought I should warn you that I probably won't be able to update until probably the end of the month at best. But to make it up to you, in the meantime here is one of my favorite chapters. It was probably the most fun to write, for reasons that will manifest themselves. Anyway, thanks to kookygurl82, Swissishy-Liza, and nina-neko for reviewing the last entry. And thanks to everyone else for reading and adding this story to his/her alerts!

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Friday, April 29

Dear Stan's Journal,

Well, hello! I didn't realize Stan even had a journal, but here you are, sitting on his desk. How silly of Stan to leave such a personal item sitting out where prying eyes can see it! But how very fortunate of me to stumble upon it.

Stan should be back upstairs here in a minute, but I did manage to get the time to browse through some of his more emotional entries. There's so much I didn't know about my very good friend Stan…like the fact that he's a FAG! How funny! And he has a boner for Kyle! I can't stop laughing now! And Kyle doesn't want him, so Stan sits and cries like a little baby every night!

I think I've died and gone to heaven!

I think I'm having pleasure overload here. This is just too great. But you understand my predicament…what should I do with this information? Obviously, my good friend Stan needs my help. The first choice that comes to mind is to borrow this journal, photocopy its pages, and post them all over the school. Everyone knowing that Stan's a gay fag would surely alleviate his problems. Kyle might even come running up to Stan and jizz right in his face! Or maybe he'll run away and leave Stan crying like a stupid asshole! And the whole school can point and laugh and make fun of him! Then everybody's happy!

But I don't think I'll do that. Of course I would find enjoyment in seeing everyone make fun of Stan because he's a FAG, but how does that really help me? What do I really get out of it? Not much. So what can I do?

Blackmail.

That's the plan. But of course, blackmail is such a harsh word. Really, all I'd be doing is soliciting Stan's services to do whatever I wanted, night and day, with no chance of release, in return for my silence on this very sensitive issue of Stan being a huge fucking FAG. That would benefit us both, don't you see? I won't tell anyone, not even Kyle, and Stan can be my slave. Slave is also a harsh word. It really isn't such a bad thing. More like…associate. But I think I've made myself clear.

So, the deal's set. I hope you're reading carefully, Stan. I know your deepest, darkest, gayest secret, but I won't tell anybody—in exchange for your services. You are to remain in close contact with me, ready to fulfill any request—any at all—that I make to you. Don't bitch and complain like I know you will—that won't help you any. And don't get your gay germs on me, please. I like titties, and I'd like to keep it that way.

As soon as you come upstairs, we can seal this agreement. We can shake hands or whatever, but let me reiterate, DON'T get your gay germs on me. I don't want AIDS. Once was enough for me.

I believe you'll be coming up those stairs any minute now, just as I also believe everyone else should be arriving for your little get-together. This new little revelation between us should make the night interesting, don't you think?

Thank you, Stan's journal. It's been great. Thank you, Stan, for being a FAG.

Love,

Your friend,

Cartman


	21. 29 April Stan again

A/N: Okay, so this is actually a very inconvenient time for me to be posting this; I have a lot of other things I should really be getting done right now, but I couldn't help myself--today isn't any ordinary fanfiction day for me. Today marks five years that I've been a member of this site and have been posting stories (although my first story and several others had to be removed from the site--I used to write script-formatted humor fics). Man, I can't believe it's been such a long time! But I'm sure that's enough history for you. As far as updating goes, I should have another chapter out within the first two weeks of May; I'm still slammed with work at the moment. Anyway, thanks to all of you who read, reviewed, alerted, and favorited the story and the last chapter!

--

Friday, April 29

Dear Journal,

Shit. Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit. I can't believe this happened. This has to be the worst goddamn day of my life. Have you ever imagined the worst possible that could happen to you, and then something happens that actually tops it fucking tenfold?

Cartman read my journal. This journal.

He knows everything. Everything! Dammit. I don't know what to do.

Of course, he's blackmailing me now. Doesn't surprise me. I know it's gonna suck beyond recognition to be his slave, but I have to do it. As long as he doesn't tell Kyle anything, I'll do it. I'll do whatever that asshole wants.

I hate this! How could I be so stupid? I should've known better than to leave my journal out even for a second! I didn't even know Cartman was already inside my house when the doorbell rang, but I should have considered it. I should have been more careful…

So, here's the story. I was up here when I heard the doorbell ring, and I guess I was in a hurry and left my journal on my desk. I went downstairs to answer the door (it was Kenny). I realized I had probably left my journal out, so I went back upstairs and I saw Cartman coming out of my room. I saw that look in his eyes, the smug grin on his face…and I just knew what he had done before I even saw it. I wanted so badly for it not to have happened, but then I saw what he wrote. It was there. The proof was in these pages. He knew, and I was screwed.

And I went ballistic. I stormed downstairs, and it was just about at that time that Kyle arrived. But I couldn't reconcile with him then. I screamed at both him and Kenny to get out of my house. I needed to talk to Cartman. I didn't even care how insane I was acting. Kyle looked pissed, like he had wasted his time, and Kenny just looked confused…probably a little pissed too. But that was none of my concern at the time.

They left, and I asked Cartman what he wanted, what I needed to do for him. He told me to come over to his house every day after school, and he would have different assignments for me. And he said I couldn't leave until he gave me permission, which sometimes might run pretty late into the night. I was pissed (I'm still pissed), but I said fine, and I made him promise that if I agreed to all this, he wouldn't say a goddamn word to Kyle about any of this.

He agreed.

And we also agreed to keep this whole agreement specifically between us. I don't really mind that; I don't want anyone to know, not even Kenny. Even if I did tell Kenny, I doubt there's anything he could do to help. He probably has his own blackmail against Cartman, but I doubt he has anything big enough on Cartman to get him to ease off of me. Cartman would probably just get pissed and shout my secret to every person he comes in contact with, whether they know me and would even care or not.

I don't care how long this agreement has to go on, how long I have to be around Cartman day after day and constantly do stupid ass things for him even though I hate him, I'll do it forever if I have to, as long as Cartman keeps his fat ass mouth shut.

God, I still can't believe all of this happened. I thought this was gonna be a pretty good night. Shit, I didn't even talk to Kyle. The second he came in, I screamed at him and told him to get out of my house. Dammit. That's really not gonna help. I keep getting myself in deeper and deeper shit. Not only did I get myself enslaved by Cartman tonight, I made things even worse with Kyle, which I didn't even think was possible, but apparently it is. It seems like everything I touch lately turns to shit. Can't I do anything right?

There's gotta be a way to fix at least some of this, but for right now at least, I'm stumped. I can't even think right now. I can barely stand to write in here—just a couple of pages behind this one is where my life completely went down the toilet. But there's nothing I can do about that, and besides, I think I would die if I didn't get all this shit out, so I can't just give up my journal. But next time I leave my room, I have to remember to hide this, lock it and hide the key too where no one could ever possibly find it.

I still can't believe I'm so stupid. I think I just want to go to sleep and forget about all this for a few hours. Maybe I can have nice dreams about the kind of night that would've happened had I not been so careless and had Cartman not been such a manipulative asshole.

But like I said, there's nothing I can do about any of this. It's already happened, and all I can do is deal with it.

I guess I'll do more of that tomorrow. Until then, good fucking night.


	22. 3 May Kenny

A/N: Hey, sorry for the delay. School did keep me busier than I thought it would for the rest of May, though for the past couple of weeks I've really had no excuse for not writing. But I'm back at it again, and I should have some pretty damn quick updates now. Thanks so much to fallenflames, Loca Bambina, nina-neko, and priscilla for reviewing the last entry (and pushing me past 100 reviews--I'm very happy about that!), and thanks to everyone else for reading, favoriting, and alerting this story!

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Tuesday, May 3

Dear Journal,

Something is up with Stan. I think something happened between him and Cartman the other night. If not, then I'm pissed at Stan for screwing up my perfect plan.

Man, I'm so disappointed that things didn't work out. I was really pumped on Friday for us all to hang out, and I think Stan was too. He looked really excited when I got there, but then he went to his room for a minute, and when he came back downstairs, he suddenly started screaming at everyone like a maniac, including Kyle, who had just gotten there.

Kyle looked pissed—at Stan and at me for dragging him there. I was pissed too. Stan ruined everything! And I had just gone through all this goddamn trouble to get him his best friend back!

So Kyle and I left. I mean, we had to—Stan was yelling at us to get the hell out. Damn. I didn't know what to say to Kyle. I knew he was thinking about how he had wasted his time coming there. Hell, I agreed. I had wasted my time too. I had spent a lot of time on this plan. But something wasn't right. I know Stan couldn't have just exploded at us for no reason. And then I remembered who had been with him when he came downstairs, and who hadn't been told to get out of his house.

Cartman.

Oh, shit. Something must have happened. I'm not sure exactly what, but knowing Cartman, he must have something on Stan. God, he probably knows Stan's secret. I'm not sure how he could've found out, but that bastard is sneaky. Maybe he bugged Stan's house.

But that has to be it. I know it is; Stan's been hanging around Cartman almost non-stop since the week started. And I know Stan doesn't like Cartman that much. Hell, no one likes Cartman that much.

Oh God. Poor Stan. He already has enough shit to deal with, and now he has to deal with Cartman blackmailing him. And I'm pretty sure he's screwed himself out of being able to talk to Kyle for a good while. Kyle hasn't said much to me about the matter, but I know having Stan yell at him for what seems like no good reason has to have really pissed him off. I know he was furious when we left Stan's house. He looked confused, too. I don't think he understands Stan anymore.

Of course, that's not Kyle's fault at all. Stan's become really hard to read unless he flat out tells you how he feels about something. I mean, sure, he tends to wear his emotions on his sleeve, so it's extremely easy to tell when he's upset about something, but he's gotten pretty damn good at leaving out clues as to why he's upset. Man, he completely caught me off guard when he told me he was in love with Kyle. Even though it does kind of make sense when you think about it, I never expected to hear that from him that day. And I'm sure Kyle has no idea, which I'm sure Stan would be happy to hear. I wonder how Kyle would react if he did find out. Contrary to what Stan might think, I seriously doubt Kyle would hate him, though I'm sure things would be awkward as hell for a good while. But they could push through it. They're (or they were, but I'm sure they'll bounce back) too good friends to let a little awkwardness come between them; I know it.

But I know telling Kyle is out of the question for Stan. After all, he's willing to be Cartman's bitch to keep Cartman quiet. I wish I could help him, but I'm not really sure how. I guess I can try to dig up some dirt on Cartman. Until then, I guess Stan will have to pull through it. I feel so bad for the guy. And now that he's stuck with Cartman, I'll hardly be able to see him anymore. I finally have the free time I wanted, but I'm not happy at all to have it. I didn't want it like this. Well, I guess I can devote some of that time to researching the dark side of Cartman. He's bound to have lots of secrets he doesn't want anyone to know about. After all, he's a sick bastard. I could probably search his room for two minutes and find enough dirt on him to shut him up for twenty years.

I guess I'll get to work on that. Maybe this can be a plan of mine that actually works out. For Stan's sake, it had better work out.


	23. 7 May Stan

A/N: Hello! No long author's note this time; I just wanted to say thanks to the reviewers of the last entry: kookygurl82, Loca Bambina, and nina-neko, and also thanks to GoldenMerlin for reviewing several other chapters. Your support is much appreciated! And once again, thanks to those who are reading and alerting this story!

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Saturday, May 7

Dear Journal,

I'm sure I've said this before, but I'm just gonna say it one more time: I…hate…my…life. I'm pretty sure each day is worse than the one before it. I never have free time anymore, I never get to hang out with Kenny or anybody else who's cool, Kyle hates me worse than ever, and worst of all, I have to spend nearly every waking moment with Eric goddamn Cartman.

He wasn't kidding when he said he'd put me to work. Everyday after school, as soon as the last bell rings, I have to hurry over to Cartman's house and do every lame, pointless, stupid-ass chore you can imagine. Like earlier this week, Cartman had me go on his roof and clean his goddamn gutters in the rain. The nerve of that bastard. And he makes sure to keep me at his house as late as he possibly can. I actually got in trouble the other day with my mom for getting home at 11:30 on a school night. And of course, it didn't help at all that I couldn't give her a good reason as to _why_ I was out so late. Now I just have to sneak in every night.

I don't know how much longer I can keep this up. I mean, what's the point? Kyle already hates me. And if I were to give up this agreement, and Cartman told Kyle everything, he'd only continue to hate me. Nothing would really change, except that I would have to deal with all the embarrassment from being found out. But I don't know; would _that_ be worth it?

I can just imagine the look on Kyle's face right now if he ever found out about me. First would probably be surprise, then disgust, then…ugh, pity. The first two would be bad enough, but the third one I couldn't stand at all. I don't want Kyle to pity me. I don't want him to feel bad for having to reject me. And I also don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me—but how else would somebody act if he found the person he thought he knew so well wanted him? How could he possibly deal with that? I don't want to put all that on Kyle. And then he'd assume that everything I said and did around him had some kind of ulterior motive. He'd keep five feet away from me at all times to make sure I didn't touch him. He'd be afraid to be himself around me, which would defeat the purpose of our friendship. I wouldn't be able to stand that.

I guess I won't give up this agreement anyway because for some reason I still have this feeling that maybe I can make up with Kyle if I try really hard (I guess I do have a little optimism left in me after all). I just have to be really careful with how I go about it. But right now, I don't even know how I would go about it. I've gotten so bad at talking to him. It used to be so easy. There was nothing I couldn't say around him—it was like I could completely think out loud whenever I was with him. I miss that so much. Now I have to keep every little thing bottled up inside me, and since Cartman started taking up all my time, I don't even have Kenny to tell things to. I basically have no one, as pathetic and depressing as that sounds. I can't even really write in here—aside from not having as much time as I used to have to write, part of me is still uneasy about it. I'm afraid someone's watching every word I write, somehow listening to my every thought. I'm afraid that no matter how much I try to hide myself, the truth will come out eventually.

And that scares the shit out of me.

Well, I've spent entirely too much time writing in here today. I have to go over to Cartman's house soon—yeah, he's even got me on the goddamn weekends now too—and I sure as hell don't want to be late. God help me if I am.

And God help me anyway—with everything. I have no idea what the hell I'm doing anymore.


	24. 8 May Kyle

A/N: Thanks to nina-neko, kookygurl82, and xxBloodAngelxx for reviewing the last chapter, and as usual, thanks to everyone who's been reading/favoriting/alerting this story. You guys are great!

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Sunday, May 8

Dear Journal,

Sorry I haven't written in here in a while, but I haven't really felt like it. It seems as though lately I've been in a perpetual bad mood—even the littlest things have been pissing me off. And I didn't think sitting here recounting all those little annoying things that pissed me off throughout my day would really help the matter.

I wish I could stop this. I have no real reason to be on edge all the time, but I can't help it. This is all Stan's goddamn fault. I don't understand it. Why does one person have to have such an adverse effect on my well-being? I've barely even seen Stan since Kenny's stupid "plan" failed, yet every time I think about him he angers me more and more.

As much as I hate to say it, I don't understand Stan at all anymore. No matter how much I wrack my brain trying to figure him out, I can never get anywhere. I have no idea why he does the things he does. Kenny made me think that Stan really wanted to make up with me, but when I actually gave Stan the chance, he screamed at me to get out of his house. I hadn't been there any longer than thirty seconds; I hadn't done anything to provoke him (or even had time to have the chance, not that I would have)! How dare that asshole!

When Kenny first asked me to go over to Stan's house to hang out, I was a little skeptical. For one thing, I wasn't sure if it was Kenny or Stan who wanted Stan and me to work things out. Sure, Stan had approached me a few days earlier, but I wasn't completely sure he was sincere. And I definitely wasn't sure in this case since Stan wasn't even the one asking me. But I don't know…honestly, I wanted to give Stan another shot. And Kenny seemed adamant about getting Stan and me to talk again, so I finally agreed.

I was really nervous when Friday came around. My heart was racing when I rang Stan's doorbell. After a few seconds, Kenny answered the door and said that Stan would be downstairs in a minute or so. He looked hopeful. That is, he _did_ look hopeful until Stan came running down the stairs with a manic look in his eyes, yelling at everybody to get the hell out of his house.

I was in disbelief. And about two seconds after that, I was pissed. That asshole had just wasted my time. That asshole had gotten my hopes up that we'd be best friends again. That asshole was screwing with my head! I looked over to Kenny, and I was pissed at him too. Why did he do this to me? Why did he orchestrate this elaborate plan to essentially get Stan to one-up me yet again?

But then again, Kenny probably didn't know Stan was going to lash out like that. I saw the baffled look on his face, and I knew that was indeed the case. The two of us were both speechless on the way to our individual homes, but I wouldn't have wanted to talk anyway. I was fuming.

And a week later, I'm still fuming. Stan is so frustrating! Does he want to make up with me or not? I can't understand why he'd even agree to Kenny's plan if he didn't. But then why did he yell at everybody to leave before we even had a chance to talk?

I really want to know these things, and I'm tired of waiting to find out. I'm tired of Stan's bullshit. He can yell at me all he wants, but I'm going to get the truth out of him once and for all.

Yes, I know it's eleven o'clock at night, and yes, I know it's past both our curfews, but I don't care.

I'm going to talk to Stan. Right now.


	25. 9 May Stan

A/N: Thanks to 911girl, xxBloodAngelxx, Yifski, Doghanyou3693, nina-neko, Loca Bambina, and GoldenMerlin for reviewing the last chapter, and everyone else for reading/alerting/favoriting! This next chapter is longest one to date, so hope you enjoy!

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Monday, May 9

Dear Journal,

So, Kyle came over last night.

I was just coming back from Cartman's house a little after eleven. I was sneaking back into my room though my window when I noticed it was already cracked open, as if someone had already snuck in before me. Hesitantly, I climbed through my window and noticed my ex-best friend standing in the middle of my room, waiting for me.

I was in disbelief. I was about to ask him what he was doing here, but first he casually asked me where I had been, since I'm not really known to stay out late on Sunday nights. Of course, I couldn't tell Kyle I was out late shampooing Cartman's hair so he wouldn't tell the whole goddamn world that I was a freakin' homo, so I stealthily changed the subject to what should've been addressed first anyway—what was he doing in my room?

"I want to talk to you," he said. He looked really angry—I figured he was still mad about last week and my being an idiot and going crazy on him. But still, I was surprised he actually came over to confront me about it—I thought he would take more of the "he's not even worth my time" approach. I guess he decided to switch tactics.

I didn't know what to say to him. I was so nervous I didn't even know what to do with myself. My hands were shaking. All I could think of was to ask Kyle what he wanted to talk about, even though it was pretty obvious.

Kyle only scoffed and shook his head. I'm pretty sure he didn't know quite what to say either, but after searching for his words he gave me an answer.

"I just want to know a few things."

I gulped. There were a few things I _didn't_ want him to know. "Like what?" I asked.

"Like," he said slowly, "I want to know…why did you kick me out of your house last week after telling Kenny it was okay to invite me over? Why did you say all those horrible things in that stupid argument we had and then never apologize for any of it? Why did you decide…that you didn't want to be my best friend anymore? And most importantly…what the hell happened to you? I don't even know who you are anymore, Stan."

Of course, the answer to all those questions was simple, but it was the one answer I couldn't give him. I didn't know what else to tell him. "I…don't know," I responded after a while.

"You don't know," he muttered. He sighed and shook his head. "I give up," he said quietly, almost at a whisper.

"What?" I knew I had heard him right. "No! Please don't give up on our friendship!"

He snapped his head back at me and eyed me suspiciously. "What's the point?"

"Because…" I had to think quickly, "because I do still want to be your best friend! I've been miserable without you, dude! I know I've been a jackass lately, but it's not because of anything you did, I swear. It's just…I've kinda been going through some things lately that I'm not ready to talk about yet that have been screwing with my head, and a lot of times I took it out on you, which I shouldn't have done. And I'm really, really sorry about that. I didn't mean anything I said in that argument—of course I wouldn't mean any of those things I said about you--and I really didn't mean to kick you out last week. I was really looking forward to you coming over, honest, but I guess it was just bad timing. I kinda ran into an emergency right when you got there. I wasn't kicking you out because I didn't want you there, I swear. There was just a lot going on. And look, I know I've made a bunch of mistakes, but I never, ever meant to hurt you."

"You didn't?"

"Of course not."

"Oh." A long, awkward pause followed. I hoped I had said the right things. And then he caught me completely off guard. "I miss you," I heard him say quietly.

"You do?" I could feel my speech staggering and a lump rise in my throat. Trying to hold myself together, I turned away from Kyle, avoiding his gaze.

He smiled softly and scoffed. "Of course I do, dumbass. You might be a total douche to me, but you're still my best friend. And…" He paused and grabbed my face for me to look at him. "and I love you, dude. I don't want to lose you."

Overcome with emotion, I brought Kyle into a hug so he couldn't look at me anymore. "I love you too," I said softly. In more ways than he could know.

I felt Kyle tighten the hug, and it made my heart race. And then he pulled back to look at me once again, and that's when I began to lose it. We were so close, and all I could think of was how much I wanted to kiss him, if even just for a second. I went crazy inside; I _had_ to see what it was like.

So I did.

I couldn't even begin to describe how completely and totally awesome it was to finally feel his lips touch mine. It only lasted for a second, but it was enough to send a giant surge of adrenaline throughout my entire body. It was like nothing that I'd ever experienced before. It would've been the greatest kiss of my life if he had only kissed back.

And that's when I came back to reality. Oh shit, he wasn't kissing me back. Instantly, I jerked my head away to see Kyle sitting in shock, his face frozen. He wasn't saying anything, but I could tell what he was thinking—I was thinking the same thing.

What the hell did I just do?

"Shit, dude," I said, jumping off the bed quickly. "Shit, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I'm just…really confused right now. I'm sorry." I continued to ramble on, apologizing insanely, and he stayed frozen in place, his eyes wide and focusing on anything but me.

Finally, he spoke—all he said was that he had to go. I apologized some more; he said it was okay, but again, that he had to go. It was getting late.

I watched the back of him as he escaped through my window, and I realized that that was probably the last time I'd ever see him in my room. There's no way he's getting anywhere near me now.

I just made the worst mistake of my life. I was so, so close to getting Kyle back, and I fucked it up!

I thought having Kyle mad at me was bad, but having him terrified to be around me is gonna be a thousand times worse. I can't even bullshit my way out of this one.

This is it—this is the worst-case scenario.

And I have no idea how to fix it.


	26. 11 May Kyle

A/N: Thanks to kookygurl82, xxBloodAngelxx, tweekers, Doghanyou3693, Enigmus, and Talez for reviewing the last chapter (and also LuvKyleAndStan for reviewing another chapter). And as usual, thanks to everyone else for reading, alerting, and favoriting this story! I should have the next chapter up a little sooner.

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Wednesday, May 11

Dear Journal,

I'm so, so confused right now.

I went to Stan's house the other night to confront him about everything. And I certainly did that, but things turned out way differently than I thought they were going to turn out. I questioned him about the way he's been acting and why he's been such an asshole to me, and he apologized for everything. And everything was going great; he seemed sincere, we were starting to make amends, and then…he kissed me.

And I don't know why.

Of course, the most obvious reason that would come to mind is that Stan maybe has some kind of…gay thing for me, but when I go over that possibility in my mind, it just doesn't make any sense at all! For one thing, I know for a fact that he likes girls way too much to want to go to the other side. Sometimes he even puts Kenny to shame with the amount of girls he'll go out with in a week. And another thing is that even if he was gay, I know he wouldn't want me of all people! We've been best friends for so many years. He wouldn't think of me like that. We may have been close for a really long time, and we may have gotten the occasional "fag" comment from Cartman, but that doesn't mean it's true! We could never see each other that way. I'm not usually that great at telling those kinds of things, but I know I'm right on this one.

So now I have to come up with a less obvious explanation.

I've been trying to analyze this over the past couple of days, and I feel like I'm getting nowhere. It was just so unexpected. But thinking back, he did say in his apology that stuff's been going on lately that's screwing with his head, so could that have anything to do with it?

But what's going on that's messing him up so much? I wish he had told me. Hmm, maybe his parents have been fighting a lot lately or something. They do that sometimes. Or maybe he's having trouble at school. That wouldn't cause him to act like this, though. I mean, I don't know. I have no clue. But whatever it is, I think it's making Stan depressed—it makes perfect sense. That's why he's lashing out at others, and I guess that means he must also be lacking attention and affection, which, of course, he sought from me the other night…oh Jesus. I don't even like thinking about it. Anyway, it's causing him to behave erratically to say the least, which is why he didn't realize that I'm supposed to be his friend, and kissing me would be totally weird.

Okay, so I'm no psychologist. I don't know what the hell I'm talking about. And I don't really know why Stan does the things he does, but making at least some kind of sense out of it helps me feel a little better. It really freaked me out when he did that. I can't even face him now. And I feel terrible about that because he obviously is having a lot of problems, and I know he needs me to be there for him, but I just can't do it right now. And I don't know when I will be able to talk to him…just not any time soon.

I don't really feel like talking to anyone right now…I'm too busy contemplating. I even feel awkward around Wendy now, too. It sounds crazy, but I feel like I cheated on her or something by letting Stan kiss me. I mean, I know I didn't have any control of the situation (though I might have if I had had any idea of what was going to happen, but unfortunately that wasn't the case at all), but still, another person kissed me that wasn't her, and that makes me very uncomfortable. What makes it worse is that I know that I can't tell her anything about what happened, and I hate to start hiding things from her.

It's a very strange feeling being kissed by a guy. I never thought it would ever happen to me, but I guess there's a first time for everything. It wasn't anything like having Wendy kiss me. When she kisses me, her lips are really soft and taste like cherry lip gloss, and when Stan kissed me, it was just…aggressive and uh, non-cherry-tasting, at least from what I could tell from the split second it happened. But oh God! Why am I even analyzing this?! All I can really say from this whole experience is that it has to be one of the most surreal things to have happened to me, and I've had a lot of crazy shit happen to me in this town. It was just so, so surprising, and I'm generally cool with surprises, but not this time. I wish it hadn't happened. Stan and I were just about to get things back on track, but now I see that we have a long way to go and even more things to fix. I hope we can work things out, but I don't know.

We'll see in the future, but for right now, all I want to do is to be alone.

And think.


	27. 14 May Stan

A/N: Hey guys. Thanks to my lovely reviewers of the last chapter: kookygurl82, cHeRRy bloSSoM72, xxBloodAngelxx, Talez, Doghanyou3693, Enigmus, and PrettyLilJewGirl. I really appreciate all of your support for this story. Same goes for those who read/favorite/alert this story! As if I haven't said that enough already from chapter to chapter, but I really mean it!

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Saturday, May 14

Dear Journal,

Kyle's been avoiding me all week.

I haven't been trying to approach him at all or anything, but I just know he's trying to stay as far away from me as he can. I've seen him in the hallways at school a few times, and I've noticed that whenever he knows I'm there, he'll start walking in the opposite direction, even if it's not where his next class is. God, it's like he can't even look at me. I knew I'd get a bad reaction from him, but I never imagined it would be this horrible. I wish I could do something about it, but honestly, I'm just as afraid to talk to him as he is to talk to me.

I don't know what I'd say if we were to talk again. Kyle knows what's going on with me now, and if we were to talk, I'd have a lot of explaining to do. And even though I've basically spilled my secret to him, I'm still not ready to come to terms with everything with him. I guess it feels like if I don't actually go out and say to him that I'm in love with him, then maybe there's still a chance that he'd never find out. But that's ridiculous! I mean, I _kissed_ him; there's no way he couldn't know why I did it! Well, maybe there is, if Kyle really, really doesn't want to believe the obvious, but Kyle's a smart guy, and he's good at reading people. I could be hopeful, but that would be stupid.

Now that Kyle knows, I've been considering telling Cartman to fuck off and call off our agreement. God knows these past few weeks have been hell. The only good thing about it that I can think of is that it keeps me busy, and if I'm busy I don't have to think about Kyle. But then I'll be in the middle of doing something for Cartman and I'll think about why I'm doing it, and it just makes me feel that much worse. Goddamn that stupid asshole Cartman. I hate him so much.

But anyway, after thinking about it, I realized that there's no way I can stop this agreement with Cartman. Sure, I started it with him so that he wouldn't tell Kyle my secret, and Kyle knows now, so the basic point of the agreement doesn't matter anymore. But I know Cartman, and even if I didn't have to worry about him telling Kyle anything, if I stopped our agreement, I know he'd find other people to tell (like the whole school, for example). The whole school knowing about me would be terrible, but in the end I could live with it (after all, I don't have much more to lose now, anyway, and Kyle's the only one I really cared about knowing). What I couldn't live with is it having negative effects on Kyle, like causing problems between him and Wendy or causing everybody to think he's just as gay for me as I am for him. And that's not cool at all, so I guess I'll just have to endure Cartman's slavery for ever how much longer it's supposed to go on, which hopefully won't be forever. I can just hope that maybe one day he'll suddenly get tired of having me around so much and find a better way to make someone's life shitty. And we're talking about Cartman here, so that shouldn't be hard for him to do. Maybe I can find a way to implant that idea in his head.

I do hope that things in my life get better soon. I hope Kyle still wants to be my friend even after what's happened, but I guess I won't know that until I talk to him. He'll probably keep avoiding me for a while, so in the end I'll probably have to be the one to approach him. If I say the right things, maybe there's still a chance we can work through this. Kyle did say he missed me, even after I acted like a complete asshole to him, so I don't think he'd really give up on speaking to me for good. I don't think he can avoid me forever. I hope I'm right on that one.

Ugh, I don't feel like writing anymore for today. Maybe I'll come back to this when I've made some progress with everything. See you in six months or a year or something.

God dammit, I'm not even funny.


	28. 19 May Stan

A/N: Thanks so much to those who reviewed the last chapter: Enigmus, frozenmoogle, kookygurl82, Sakura Ryokan, xxBloodAngelxx, vicki, and Talez (and also thanks to WrittingFulanita for reviewing the first chapter). And thanks to the other readers, alerters, and favoriters of this story! I should have the next chapter up soon!

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Thursday, May 19

Dear Journal,

I know I said I wasn't gonna write in here again until I made some progress, and I still haven't made any, but I got bored. I just got back from Cartman's house. It's late, and I probably should try to go to sleep, but I don't think I'd be able to if I tried. I have a lot on my mind (but obviously that's nothing new).

I can't stop thinking about Kyle. I've noticed that I've become much more aware of him the few times I do see him throughout the day—I'm always studying his movements, his facial expressions, the way he acts around other people—and I've come to a conclusion about all of it: Kyle doesn't look happy.

It's all very subtle changes in the way he acts, and I may be the only one who notices it, but God dammit, it's there. It's just little things, like with the way he walks, for example—he used to walk quickly to his classes, always rushing just a little bit (like most people, he likes to spend most of his time between classes hanging out in the hallway talking), but lately, I've seen him dragging to class a little more than usual, his head down, occasionally responding to people who say hey to him but never seeking people out to talk to them like he usually would. And when he does talk to people, he may smile and laugh, but I can tell it's forced. He doesn't squint his eyes as much when he smiles, and nobody else might notice it, but I know he's faking every damn moment of enjoyment throughout his day, at least the parts I see.

I must've really screwed him up. I really didn't know it would be this bad, I swear. Even when I imagined what it would be like for Kyle to reject me, I thought I'd be the one who'd get all depressed after it happened, not _him_! It'd make a whole lot more sense for him to be pissed off or disgusted or even indifferent towards the whole thing. He has been ignoring me, but it's been more in an "I can't handle being around you" sort of way than anything else. I don't really get it.

Speaking of being depressed, I am kinda surprised that this happening hasn't really made me as depressed as I thought it would. I'm sure as hell not happy with anything going on in my life right now, but I think I've gotten to the point where I'm past being upset and can only take things as they come and just accept them. I've been depressed enough lately; I think I'm just getting tired of the feeling. I guess that's a good thing. Now nothing can upset me or make me angry or anything. The only emotion I do still feel right now is nervousness. My heart does still beat a little faster when I see Kyle, and the sight of him does still make me want to run away because I feel so awkward about what I did.

But I guess that's okay. That must just be me telling myself that I shouldn't try to talk to him again just yet. I'm not in a hurry anyway, so that's fine. I know I need to do it eventually, but I don't know how. Maybe I'll just wait until my nervousness goes away a little bit. If it does.


	29. 21 May Kyle

A/N: Hey guys, sorry for the wait. I'm currently on an internship, and it's a little tough to find time to update. But here you go! Oh yeah, and thanks to the reviewers of the last chapter: Enigmus, frozenmoogle, kookygurl82, and RangerInBlack, and of course, thanks to all the other readers and such out there too.

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Saturday, May 21

Dear Journal,

I went to prom with Wendy last night, and it was pretty fun. Of course, prom is always a lot lamer that people try to make you think on TV and movies, but I still had an okay time. Wendy looked beautiful in her dress, but that was no surprise to me. She always looks great anyway, but she did especially last night.

I hope she had a good time. I felt like I was being a little bit of a downer when we first got to prom, but hopefully she didn't really notice. Once we were there I got a little more into it, and I especially started having a better time once prom was winding down and Wendy and I went to an after-prom party at Craig's house, which was pretty sweet. I was really tempted to drink while I was there, but then I noticed all the people stumbling around completely wasted, and it reminded me a lot of Kenny's birthday…and I'd rather not go there again, at least for a while. And I still had to drive Wendy and myself home that night. But maybe some other time.

But anyway, that's okay. It was still a fun party, and it was cool hanging out with Wendy and some of the guys, especially since I've been a little reclusive lately. And better yet, I didn't see Stan there at all. I don't know if he was at the party or at prom, but either way, I didn't see him the entire night, which I was fine with. I'm still terrified of him. Every time I see him I get so nervous. I start thinking about what I should say to him (I still haven't thought of anything yet), and I keep replaying what happened last time we spoke, trying to make some sense of it, but that hasn't happened yet either.

I've spent a lot of time thinking about all that lately, and like I said, I've been a little reclusive. I've spent a little less time hanging out with people, but luckily it hasn't gotten to the point where anyone's asked me if something's wrong, not even Wendy, thank God. Even if it's slightly less often, I still talk to people like I normally do and laugh at jokes like I normally would, even if I don't always feel like it. When I think about it, I never really do feel like laughing anymore, but that's okay. I'm sure things will get better.

I know it sounds like I'm depressed, but really I'm not. I'm fine. I'm just going through a strange few weeks, and I'm figuring out how to deal with it. And soon enough, I will figure it out. I'm pretty smart; I can do it. And I have Wendy by my side; she can always take my mind off things that are bothering me. I should really try to spend more time with her. I feel like I've been neglecting her. We did hang out a lot last night, though, so hopefully that helped. And maybe I'll call her when I'm done writing this and ask her if she wants to go out tonight. I'm sure she'd like that.

I'd like that too. It's not healthy for me to sit around at home most of the time. Obviously it's not helping me to be thinking about certain things all the time; I should switch to something else—like what Wendy and I could do for our next date.

All right, I guess I'll go do that now. I'll write more in a few days.


End file.
